


(Not a) Hugger

by HMS_Chill



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Don't worry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hugging, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Tears, Touch-Starved, Whump, but! he ends up happy, get this boy some hugs, mom friend joly, we gon hurt this boi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 15:11:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21101531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HMS_Chill/pseuds/HMS_Chill
Summary: It's been a few years since Grantaire was hugged. Or cuddled. Or touched for any length of time.Which is fine. Really.Except that it isn't fine, and he would very much like to be hugged, but the only thing worse than being touch-starved would be seeming needy.OR: Grantaire communicate with your friends god damn it





	(Not a) Hugger

**Author's Note:**

> Quick trigger warning for the mention of an eating disorder. Grantaire's mostly better, but it's mentioned a few times, as is past abuse.

Grantaire can't remember the last time he was hugged. It was probably in high school, as part of one of the big group hugs that always followed successful soccer games the one year he played, so it's been about seven or eight years. Which is fine; he just doesn't think about it. He doesn't think about it when Cosette comes into the Musain for a meeting and hugs everyone, even Enjolras, who gives in and hugs her back, and they both look more relaxed when they separate. He doesn't think about it when she gives anyone going up for a speech a hug, and they relax enough to stay put together. When he gives a speech at a rally, just to get one of those hugs and gets instead a squeeze on the arm, he doesn't think about the fact that it's been years since anyone hugged him.

When he's at a movie night with Joly, Bossuet, and Munchetta, he doesn't think about how much he wants a hug. They'll pile onto each other, cuddling close, but that's fine. Grantaire gets the popcorn to himself, and he doesn't feel left out. He most certainly doesn't think about how much he'd like a hug when Combeferre mentions the effects of touch starvation in a meeting about prison injustice. He talks about it as a cruel and unusual effect of isolation, and Grantaire tries his hardest not to think about how his irritability and insomnia sound a lot like the evils Combeferre is upset about. He knows how it feels to be isolated, and he recognizes the feeling of being alone in a room full of people who claim to love him (and likely do, despite his infinite failures). But that's fine. He can live with all that. He just doesn't think about it. 

Except that he does think about it, almost every day. He thinks about it a lot on bad days, when the eating disorder he thought he kicked out a few years ago rears its ugly head to remind him that no one would ever want to touch his body. On even worse days, he thinks about it when he hears his father's voice telling him that no one would ever touch him unless they wanted to hurt him. On the worst days, he wraps himself tightly in a blanket and pretends that's the same thing as a hug, or at least a good enough replacement. It never is, but he can pretend. 

In his better moments, his rational brain reminds him that he could ask someone for a hug, but he can never bring himself to do it. If Cosette hugs everyone but him, there must be a reason, and it has to be that there is something wrong with him (the voice of the eating disorder points to the spare tire around his middle that's developed since it ruined his metabolism). If Joly cuddles with Bossuet and Munchetta all the time, it's because they're dating, and Grantaire can't disrupt their relationship any more than he already does. If Courfeyrac hugs everyone else, it's clearly only because he and Grantaire have the world's best secret handshake, and it would be a pity to miss even a single opportunity to use it. Besides, he can't impose on any of his friends. Asking them to hug him would make them uncomfortable, so he doesn't say anything, and if things get worse, he pretends not to notice.

The worst part is that he's not sure why. If he knew why his friends don't hug him, despite the fact that they all hug each other, it might be easier. 'You smell', 'I don't want to', or even just 'bad vibes' would be easier to deal with than the options his shit brain gives him. But he doesn't know, and if he asks anyone, they'll know he's upset by it and everything will be ruined. They'll either hug him out of necessity or continue to ignore him, and he's not sure which would be worse. 

It all boils over after a movie night turned sleepover at Combeferre's. Grantaire wakes up before his friends to see nearly all of them cuddling someone. Feuilly's head is on Bahorel's chest, and Jehan is held under his arm. Joly is sandwiched between his partners. Enjolras is holding Combeferre's arm while Courfeyrac hugs his boyfriend from behind. Even Marius, who never wants a partner and is usually not a cuddler, is snuggled up with them, his back pressed against Courfeyrac's. Eponine and Cosette are cuddled close, Gavroche clinging to Eponine's back like a spider monkey. But Grantaire, despite being very available for cuddles, is left out of every single pile. He puts on his shoes and slips out the door. He can't do this. He can't watch from the outside as all his friends love each other; it might destroy him.

Joly finds him later, in his own apartment, sitting on the couch with his knees pulled up to his chest, staring at a dark TV screen. His hair is still damp and sweaty from the hardest run of his life, his breakfast sits untouched on the coffee table, and he's not sure if the salt on his face is from sweat or dried tears. He'd like to blame the tears on the wind, but it's a still day.

Joly sits beside him on the couch, then reaches over to squeeze his hand. That tiny touch is nearly enough for Grantaire to break down again.

"We missed you when we woke up this morning. Bossuet thought maybe you'd come back for your bag, but he had to work, so I brought it over. Do you want to talk?"

Grantaire shakes his head. It would be so easy to lean over and flop into Joly's lap. Just a simple fall, and he'd be touching his friend, and things would be, if not okay, so much better than the pressing loneliness he's used to. But he can't. Joly doesn't hug him, and there must be a reason, and he can't make his friend uncomfortable. 

"Alright, well, I just wanted to let you know that we missed you. We love you, R. Do... do you mind if I stay for a bit? It looks like it's going to rain, and that means the bus will be crowded, and we both know people don't respect the handicapped seats nearly enough for me to want to deal with them right now."

"Please do. You can turn something on if you want. Sorry I smell." I'm sorry you're trapped with someone like me. I'm sorry for being a disgrace of a person. I'm sorry you worried. I'm sorry you have to know me. I'm sorry.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. How do you feel about _Bake off_?"

"It's not a great food day. Sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for; I'm glad you told me. I'm proud of you. How about _Too Cute_ instead?"

"That sounds good."

"Perfect."

Joly loads an episode called "Super Pups: Pint Sized", his hand never leaving Grantaire's. They watch quietly, the sounds of rain starting to fall outside complementing the show's bouncy soundtrack. But "Super Pups" autoplays into a kitten episode, and when it opens on a shot of the kittens piled up together, Grantaire feels the icy grip around his insides tighten. He swallows hard, then takes a deep breath and tells Joly he's going to the bathroom. He finds a discarded flannel there to muffle the tears he's been trying his best to ignore.

A few minutes later, there's a soft knock on the door.

"R? Can I help, Love?"

"I'm fine." His voice doesn't sound like his. He's made Joly get up and come find him, and he's made Joly worry again, and he's done everything wrong. This is why his friends don't like him enough to touch him.

"I... I want to help you, R, I do. Please know that. I'm sorry for holding your hand; I know you don't like to be touched. That was--"

Grantaire cuts him off by throwing the door open. Joly stumbles back in surprise, catching himself on the wall of the hallway.

"You... you think I don't like to be touched?"

"I know you don't. I'm sorry."

"Don't... no, don't be sorry. I loved that. It... it's not you holding my hand that made me cry, I promise."

"But you hate being touched. Bossuet tried to hug you once and you flinched so hard you tripped over a couch."

The memory floods in: Grantaire, freshly at college on an art scholarship and still trying to believe that no one here wanted to hurt him, clinging to his one shot at a life away from his father. Bossuet, who'd taken two gap years and was bigger than Grantaire by a sizeable amount, coming toward him after a game night in the lounge with an arm raised in a position that Grantaire only knew as one of anger. Grantaire stumbling back, cowering, falling onto one of the lounge couches, and excusing himself to go hide under a blanket in the room he shared with Joly. 

"That's... that's not... I thought he was going to hit me. I... He was so big, and so much stronger than I was, and I was just starting therapy and still trying to make myself eat a full meal sometimes instead of just going hungry, and if he'd wanted to hurt me I couldn't have stopped him. You remember how tiny I was; he could have snapped me in half, and after my dad, I wasn't at a point where I trusted him not to want to. I thought everyone hated me, and that they'd all want to hurt me, and that's what was scary. It wasn't about the hug. It was never about the hug."

"So you don't hate hugs?"

"You... you don't hug me because you thought I didn't like them?"

"We told the others, too. When we first dragged you to a meeting, Chetta told the group chat you didn't like hugs so that no one would scare you off. But you don't mind?"

"Not... ot at all. I mean, it's been... it's been a long time, but I don't think I mind hugs at all."

Joly comes back across the hallway slowly, like he's approaching a wild animal, and he wraps his arms around Grantaire and squeezes. Grantaire lets out a sob as his own arms come up to hold Joly close.

"I love you. I've got you. I'm sorry," Joly says softly, letting them sink to the floor together. "I love you, and I'll give you as many hugs as you want from now until forever."

Grantaire's not sure how long they stay there, in a pile outside his bathroom while he cries and Joly promises not to let go. It's at least until the sobs stop, but that's really no measure of time at all. When he's pulled himself together a bit, Joly pulls back just a touch and reaches up to cup his face, but Grantaire pulls back on instinct. Someone's hand near his face has never been a good thing. Joly pulls his hand away and squeezes Grantaire's arm instead.

"So your face isn't a place you're comfortable with me touching. I'm sorry. I should have asked. But I... R, I'm sorry about this, but my leg doesn't like being on the floor very much. Is it okay if we move this hug to the couch?"

Grantaire nods, trying his best not to be embarrassed of his flinch. Or his tears. Or the fact that he'd just broken down completely at a simple hug from a friend. There are a lot of things for him to be embarrassed of from the last hour, ever since Joly found him staring at a blank TV. 

"Is it okay if I take your hand?" Joly asks, and Grantaire nods, so Joly holds his hand and leads the way to the couch. _Too Cute_ is paused on the image of a kitten wobbling across a blanket. 

"I'm going to go make some popcorn, and then I'm going to come back and cuddle the hell out of you while you eat it for breakfast," Joly says. "If you want to, when I get back, we... we could do something called green-yellow-red that Cosette taught me. It'll help us make sure we're both comfortable while we're cuddling, so for example, today, I'm... my chest and arms are green, and so's my back and shoulders, really anything from the waist up. So go for it with hugs there. My face I'm going to say yellow, and same with my hips and my good leg, so just ask and I'll let you know in the moment. My bad leg's red, so I'd rather you didn't touch it. Oh, and the top of my head is green. Does that make sense?"

Grantaire nods, doing his best to remember. He can't mess this up. If he ruins cuddling with Joly now, he might never get a second chance.

"And it's alright if you make a mistake; I can let you know if I'm ever uncomfortable. I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt me on purpose; you'd never hurt anyone. Is it alright if I kiss the top of your head?"

"It's... it's nasty. I haven't been great at showering recently, and I went for a run."

"I don't mind, but do you?"

Grantaire thinks for a moment, then shakes his head. A few weeks ago, Cosette had taught everyone a game she used in consent workshops where they practiced saying yes or no, and she'd pushed them to make the choice in that moment however they felt. Grantaire is trying his hardest to make her proud. 

Joly brings over a blanket and presses a kiss to the top of Grantaire's greasy, sweaty head before disappearing into the kitchen. As he hears popcorn start to pop, Grantaire takes stock of his body, trying to decide if it would help or hurt to have Joly cuddle the parts of it he (especially) hates. He's got some semblance of an answer by the time the popcorn's done, and he gives Joly an assessment that includes a green 'spare tire' (a phrase that makes Joly frown) and a red face. Joly repeats Grantaire's requests, asking about parts he forgot and referring to the spare tire as a stomach, which is probably the kindest thing anyone's called it since it developed. Then he hands Grantaire the popcorn and cuddles up next to him, stealing pieces from the bowl and always keeping at least one arm firmly around Grantaire. 

When Bossuet gets off work, he joins them with pizza, and they play green-yellow-red again before Bossuet joins their pile. If Grantaire has the best nap he's had in years with Joly's arms around his waist and Bossuet's chin on his head, well, he tries not to envy Munchetta when he wakes up.

The next time he sees Cosette, she asks if she can hug him, beaming. He agrees, and she holds him so close and so tightly that he forgets to see his body as a disgusting mass of fat and acne for the rest of the day. She tells him he gives wonderful hugs, and he tells her that that quote will be his next tattoo. It makes her laugh, and he can't help but grin back. He and Courfeyrac add a hug to the end of their elaborate handshake, one that involves Grantaire supporting most of Courf's weight and not caring at all. His body may not be as thin as it once was, but now it can lift his friends in the air, which is clearly a good trade. At the next rally, when Joly's leg gets sore and Bossuet has already slipped twice, Grantaire pulls his friend onto his back. Joly's arms wrap around Grantaire's neck, and Grantaire becomes the hottest mobility aide at the protest.

In short, the floodgates are open. Once it's established that Grantaire enjoys hugs, he starts getting them regularly, and he eventually starts giving them, too. He starts spending evenings squished into a chair with Joly, often with the other man in his lap and occasionally with Jehan, Chetta, Bossuet, or a combination of the three leaning against him. He carries Joly when his leg gets bad or Gavroche when he's too short to see or exhausted but too proud to admit it. He hugs Eponine, something he hasn't done since puberty, and she nearly cries telling him how proud of him she is. He does cry, and that sets her off, and Gavroche finds them crying and brings them a carton of ice cream and two spoons and leaves them be. 

He hugs Enjolras last. Enjolras isn't a hugger. Even after spending most of his life with Courfeyrac, he'll lean into hugs good-naturedly, but he won't initiate. Between that lack of initiation and Grantaire's overwhelming self-doubt, it's really a miracle that they hug at all. It finally happens at Courfeyrac's birthday party, and he maintains that it is the best gift he could ever get. Enjolras has just gotten into his top choice for law school, and he doesn't want to upstage Courf, but he's so excited he has to tell someone, and Grantaire is nearby. And Grantaire is thrilled, and he's so excited that hugging Enjolras feels like the most natural thing in the world. That, of course, tips their friends off to something major, which ends up stealing the moment for a bit as Grantaire and Enjolras find themselves in the middle of a giant group hug. But when Grantaire looks up to see Enjolras's grin, everything feels just right.

**Author's Note:**

> You know when you're just minding your own business, then suddenly your brain goes "hey, when was Grantaire hugged last?" and you have a mild crisis about your beautiful touch-starved son? Yeah.  
-  
To make things worse, I like to think of physical touch as one of Grantaire's main love languages, so he's just been casually not believing his friends love him for like seven years.  
-  
The consent games mentioned are ones we've done for the play I'm working on! Green-Yellow-Red is pretty explained, but for the other (yes/no), you all stand in a circle. You say someone else's name, and they say either 'yes' or 'no'. If they say 'yes', you walk to stand by them and it's their turn. If they say 'no', you ask someone else. It's super simple but I love it and think it's super important.  
-  
As always, I'm [HMS-Chill](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hms-chill) on tumblr for fic stuff; if you wanna chat either there or here please do! Let me know what you like! What you hate! If I made a typo (please god let me know if I made a typo)! I love talking to y'all about what I make! Cheers!


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